The priority for me is to do my best to look like a normally compos mentis individual as much as humanly possible. This is not always an objective with which I have much success and, when failure arises, I usually resort to saying to those involved “I’m sorry, I have slight brain damage”. This has become a much more regular occurrence than I would like but it never ceases to change people’s expressions from the ‘oh my god, you’re an idiot’ look to the more sympathetic expression of pity, combined with a hint of guilt. Sometimes this can be rather satisfying,  but most of the time, as I walk away smiling sweetly, I can feel the bitter heat of frustration building up inside me due to yet further recognition that I no longer have the full brain capability I once had.

So here is a list of stupid things that I have done since having slight brain damage:

One -Tried to wash my hair with mayonnaise thinking it was shampoo before realising that I’d mistakenly put it in the bathroom instead of the refrigerator.

Two – Accidentally signed myself up as a sex slave online thinking it was a site about the history of slavery.

Yes people this really did happen! One minute I’m jauntily registering my name and email in order to get access to what I think is a perfectly harmless website about the horrors of slave ownership in the 18th century (history’s my thing, don’t ask), the next I’m getting an email telling me I am now a sex slave, complete with my new registered slave number and access details to some really, really weird S&M site. Suffice to say I resigned my membership pronto and spent the rest of the day worrying as to whether some blacked out van was going to turn up to take me away.

Three – Slowly developed a paranoia that technology in general is secretly plotting some kind of cunning plan to mess with my head, send me to the edge of reason and make me have a hissy fit so extreme that I end up being sedated and put in a straight jacket.

Four – Almost caused myself a severe head injury due to somehow managing to walk into a door, that I had just opened, in front of a pub full of people. Quite how I managed to open a door and wack myself in the forehead with it will remain an eternal enigma to me.  I will never forget the look of wonder on one blokes face after he saw me do it, it was almost a mixture of admiration, concern and disbelief. And no, I was not drunk.

Five – Got completely and utterly lost at work on my way back from the tea room several times to the utter wonder and astonishment of my new colleagues.

Six – Thought that someone had broken in whilst I was home alone and, in my urgency, picked up the nearest ultimate weapon of choice and rushed downstairs armed with a cushion, because I temporarily thought that fighting off a burglar with a pillow would be a sensible option.

Seven – Had a near death experience by almost choking to death on a cheerio.

Eight – Injured myself whilst dreaming I was fighting off a rather pissed off, evil warthog and re-enacted the event physically in my sleep, to the point where I thrashed about that much I fell out of bed, bumped my head on the book case on the way down, then woke up splat on the floor with a sore head and my partner laughing his ass off. A true and actual account. Ok so this may not be immediately related to brain damage but it’s a good story that gives a good example of my life as a silly idiot.

Nine – Almost electrocuted myself to death by having the bright idea of unplugging a live electric cable in a room full of steam further to steaming some wallpaper. Big flash, power went off, caboom! At this point I put out a status on Facebook asking any friends and family if any of them would like to volunteer as a carer/health & safety person in order to accompany me at all times, as I had clearly lost all common sense and was a potential danger to myself, and others. There were no takers on this request.

Ten – Offended too many people to count by unintentionally ignoring them, and looking straight through them with a blank and unimpressed expression so cold that they are convinced that my animosity towards them knows no bounds. I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t see or realise who they were!

Eleven – Spoken to people I have met briefly before as if they are complete strangers, whilst watching the growing look of concern when they realise I have absolutely no idea who they are.

There are many more examples of my inner village idiot making an occasional appearance but “I’m sorry, I have slight brain damage”, so I can’t remember them all.

My advice to my fellow slight brain damage sufferers, should you display any village idiot like behaviour…..have a sense of humour, otherwise you will send yourself crazy with frustration!


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